Actions change feelings | Experience trumps appearance | Truth-seeking vs option-seeking
Every week we curate 3 ultra-focused ideas to reduce life complexity. On Saturday we share them with you via email.
Let’s start!
Change what you do to change how you feel
The lockdown and the "new normal" took a toll on all of us. We still don't know when we will get back our previous lives. Or even whether it will ever happen.
So stress levels are unprecedentedly high. We need a way to feel safe peaceful and happy again. We can't wait this to end.
And it's not only about the pandemic. Every one of us has dark periods in his/her life. We need the tools to bring light back again.
Eric Barker suggests Behavioral Activation Therapy in his book summary.
The motivation for this technique is that:
“The key to changing how people feel is helping them change what they do.”
In other words, you don't wait to be happy before doing happy things. You do something that makes you happy every day and get out of the rut.
The technique has three main steps:
find the activities that give you pleasure and make you feel accomplished. Make a list of everything you spend time on and all the major activities from the past. Rate them from 1 to 10 in terms of pleasure and accomplishment.
Know your values and goals. Do some soul searching to find out the overall goals you want to achieve in life and your sacred values.
Follow a plan, not your mood. If you are stressed, depressed, fearful, you don't want to engage in anything funny. So, choose among the highest ranking activities from step 1 the ones that lead you to your goals and embody your values. Then place them on your calendar. Make an appointment with yourself and do them even in the darkest times.
This constant practice will initially give you some relief, when you engage in your preferred activities. In the long term it will compound and improve your mood in every moment of your life.
Don't look for a single answer, look for every possible answer
We are all trained to always look for the right answer, the true answer, since school. We apply this kind of reasoning to every challenge.
But life asks us questions that don't have a correct answer. Or they have more than one correct answer.
In such situations, our "truth-seeking" approach is like forcing a round peg in a square hole. We could rack our brains for hours and days without a solution. Or we could force a solution to a problem that doesn't have one.
Think for example when you have to switch jobs. There is never a single job offer that beats all the others. Maybe one is closer to home but pays less. Another one has better insurance but you don't know enough about the employer.
In similar situations, ditch the "truth-seeking" approach. Embrace "option seeking", instead.
Try and generate many possible answers. The most you can. Thinking for an hour on pen and paper will reveal a surprising amount of options.
You'll maybe realize that you don't want to switch jobs. You want to quit and become an artist. Or you only need to improve your relationship with a difficult colleague to make your days enjoyable again. Or a raise will make you feel more recognized.
Among the many possible answers, you'll find the right one for you.
Prioritizing appearance is stealing your happiness (prioritize the experience instead)
Everyone loves a home in the suburbs. You can have a garden, clean air, less noise.
But a 2-hour daily commute by car has a worse impact on the quality of your life than the supposed downsides of living in the city. It's been the story of my life.
Now scientists have proved it. (Meanwhile, I got rid of the commute becoming a digital entrepreneur 😜)
This is a specific instance of a larger problem. In our decisions, we assign a disproportionate weight on appearance as a means to increase happiness and well-being. For example, it's the case when we choose a new home, a college dormitory, a workplace, a car, the tools for our hobby.
Appearance counts, but the quality of the experience has a much deeper and larger effect on our happiness. Moreover, you get used to appearance (a nice home), but you never get used to a negative experience (the daily commute).
So, when you are making choices affecting your happiness, first find out how to get the most meaningful and pleasurable experience. Then, choose appearance in order not to compromise it.
What I am reading
“The Courage to Be Disliked”, by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. Actually, I started reading it again soon after finishing it for the first time. Yeah, it’s THAT good.
I love this book because it presents the fundamentals of Adlerian psychology. It conveys a message of possibility. You are not the product of your past. Every day you can choose to be happier, better, more fulfilled.
And you? Which book did you enjoy recently? Let us know. We are always on the lookout for exciting new titles.
Thank you for reading this newsletter.
Now, I’m curious about you.
What decisions are challenging you at the moment? What are the mental strategies that you find more helpful?
Write me back!
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Until next week,
Alberto
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